Dreading May

This is my first of many blogs that I hope to write and I implore the reader to think about it but don't dwell on it. We all have "events" in our lives that changes our lives, some events are good ones that make us more appreciative about our lives and we look forward in allowing these events to follow us into our future. Then there are "dark events". We all could live without these events but at the same time, we all know at some point of our lives, we have to face them. Yes, my dear friends, today I want to share the loss of my family. I am not writing this for your sympathy but rather, for your understanding of the guy you know as TJ.

I have been moody for the last few weeks and I know that most of it is because I finally have owned up to my problem but have no idea as of yet how to resolve it. I am professional care giver to the elderly, mostly for dementia patients. I have been doing it for the last six years and finally have to come to terms that I can't do it anymore. My problem is more complicated as most employers are being damn selective in who he/she hires and with today's economy rapidly in turmoil, getting another chance to re-kindle a new career path, looks grim. Yet, I still can't be a care giver anymore. I am on a case right now in Cape May, NJ and though many would love to be so near the shore line, ( I am 200 ft from the bay) my heart is not in the job anymore.

May is always a tough month for me and knowing it was coming up, I guess my mood started to change without giving it much thought until, someone in the Twitter chat room was talking about mother's day. It hit me like a ton of bricks and my mood started to darken.

My mom passed away in July of 2003, my brother in May of 2004 and my father in March of 2005 I took time off my career path and personally care gave for all three. Most of my brother's care was done in a hospital but I was with him almost everyday. I spent most of 2006 crying and getting the anger out of my system. I truly miss them a lot but by being the care giver for all three and being there for their darkest hours, I grew in other ways. Inever have to question myself on could's or should's as I know they had the best care.

May is hard not just because of Mother's day but because my brother was lain to rest on my mom's birthday, May 12th. June ain't much better, as it represents my fathers birthday, June 1 and my brother's birthday June 21 and Father's day lays somewhere in that month. So be forwarn that I may be moody in June as well but I will try my best to keep a better grip.